Colonel Reb was banished from the Ole Miss Campus in 2010 to be succeeded by a more angry and cocaine influenced version of Barney Bear.
Since his exile from The Grove, Colonel Reb has lived a very secluded life at his plantation house in Adams County. Sipping fine bourbon, smoking cheap cigars, and trying to regroup after his image was tainted for nearly 70 years.
He has began to adapt into the 21st Century by opening a gmail account, purchasing a pre-paid cell phone, and dabbling a little bit into Facebook. OTM was able to reach Colonel Reb recently and we show great gratitude that he was able to grant us this interview:
JM: Colonel Reb, this is Jason Marks from On The Marks Sports. I want to say again, thank you again for taking the time to talk to us.
Colonel Reb: (In Mark Twain voice) THE PLEASUH IS ALLL MAHN YOUNG MAN! WHEN WILL THIS INTERVIEW BE POSTED IN THE PAPUH??/
JM: Actually sir, we are a blog site.
Colonel Reb: BLAWWG???? WHUT IN THE HAY-YELL IS THAT??? SOME NEW DISEASE LIKE DIS-UHN-TERRY????
JM: No sir, it's an internet term for a compilation of posts for a website.
Colonel Reb: IN-TUH-NET????
JM: Nevermind. So Colonel, it has been over 2 years since your dismissal from the Ole Miss campus. How did it feel when it happened?
Colonel Reb: WELL JOSEPH, I WAS VURY HURT! I HAD BEEN PAINTED WITH A BROAD BRUSH. JUST BECAWSE I WORE A GIANT HAT, HAD A LONG MOUSTACHE AND DRESSED LIKE MARK TWAIN.....THAT DAMN COLONUHL SANDUS IS A COPYCAT....THAT I WAS THE OWNER OF NEGROES AND HELD THEM IN LOW REGARD. THAT WAS JUST NOT THE CASE. LITTLE KNOWN TO MOST, MY DAUGHTER EVENTUALLY MARRIED A BLACK MAN IN WHICH I WAS IN SUPPORT OF, BUT THEY DON'T PRINT THAT IN PAPUHS. I WAS BANUSHED FOR NO REASON AND REPLACED WITH WHAT......A BLACK BEAR!
JM: What did you think of the decision to choose the Black Bear as your successor?
Colonel Reb: I LIKE THE CHOICE! BUT I FIG-YUHD THAT A JACK-ASS WAS MORE FITTING BECAWSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY ACTED LIKE WHEN THEY DECIDED TO BANUSH ME.
JM: Sounds like there's still some bitterness towards the school you represented for so many years.
Colonel Reb: AHHH WOULDN'T CALL IT BITTERNESS JUSTIN, JUST HURT THAT'S ALL. I NEVER ONCE OWNED A SLAVE AND I NEVER TALKED DOWN TO A NEGRO. THE FACT THAT AH WAS PAINTED WITH A STEREOTYPE REALLY SADDENS ME. I LOVE OLE MISS AND ALWAYS WILL. I WISHED THEY LOVED ME ENOUGH TO TELL THE REAL STORY ABOUT ME.
JM: So what have you been doing since your days at Ole Miss?
Colonel Reb: I RECENTLY GOT THIS THING CALLED CABLE TV, IT'S SPECTACULAR AND HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS MAHSHALL HENDUHSUN FELLA.......HE'S LIKE ME. HE'S POLARIZING, STEREOTYPED, AND MISUNDERSTOOD. I'VE ALSO MADE SOME SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS AT A FEW MOOSE LODGES AROUND THE STATE, AND I'VE ALSO DRAWN MORE INTO POLITICAL ACTIVISM.
JM: Political Activism? Elaborate.
Colonel Reb: WELLL JESSIE, I'VE BEEN ACTIVE IN THE ABORTION AND GAY RIGHTS ISSUES. AH WISH THAT SOME OF THESE PEOPLE WOULD LEAVE THOSE POOR WOMEN AND GAYS ALONE.
JM: You're Pro-Choice on both issues??? I have to say, I'm surprised.
Colonel Reb: SEEE JACOB, NOBAWDY CARES TO TRY AND GET THE KNOW THE REAL ME. I WAS ONCE AGAINST ABORTIONS, BUT LIVING IN MISSISSIPPI AS LONG AS I HAVE, I STARTED TO FEEL THE NEED THEY WERE NECESSARY, ESPECIALLY IN THAT CRAPHOLE TOWN CALLED STARKVILLE.
JM: I see, what made you turn around on gay marriage?
Colonel Reb: DID I HAVE MAH PREJUDICE BEFORE? YES, BUT THEN ONE NIGHT IN BATON ROUGE AFTER THE LSU GAME, I HAD BECOME FRIENDS WITH SOME LSU FANS AND THEY TOLD ME TO GO THIS ESTABLISHMENT CALLED GEORGE'S PLACE. I HAD FOUND IT ODD THAT THE BARTENDER SCOFFED WHEN I ASKED FOR A EVAN WILLIAMS MIXED WITH DR PEPPER WHILE A FLAMBOYANT COP ASKED ME IF HE COULD BUY ME AN APPLE MARTINI. I RESPECTFULLY DECLINED HIS ADVANCES WHEN I KNEW I WASN'T GOING TO BE ARRESTED FOR THE CUBAN CIGARS I HAD IN MY POCKET. FROM THAT NIGHT ON, I KNEW THESE PEOPLE HAD TO SETTLE DOWN AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO DO THAT THAN GET MARRIED. JUST ASK MY 3 EX-WIVES.
JM: Is there an alternate motive for this sudden change in heart?
Colonel Reb: YES SIR. OUR ECONOMY IS IN THE TOILET AND THE VALUE OF MY STOCKS AND LAND ARE DROPPING. AH NEEDED ROMNEH ELECTED AND IT LOOKED GOOD FOR A WHILE. ROMNEH WAS SCHOOLING OBAWWWMA ON ECONOMIC ISSUES, BUT THEN THE OTHER DUMBASS REPUBLICANS HAD TO TAKE THE BAIT AND MAKE THEMSELVES STUPID ON THE ABORTION AND GAY ISSUE. I THANK THAT'S WHAT COST ROMNEH THE WHITE HOUSE!
JM: Colonel Reb, I thank you the time you have taken to talk to us and I hope we get to do it again.
Colonel Reb: JARED, IT WAS A GREAT PLEASHUH. IT FELT GOOD TO BREAK THE SILENCE AND CLEAR MY NAME FROM THE PAINFUL STEREOTYPES THAT HAVE BEEN A SHADOW TO ME ALL THESE YEARS. HAVE A GOOD DAY SON!